I got this and laughed
Winter is almost over in Wisconsin
A man and his ever nagging wife take a vacation to Jerusalem, while there the wife gets sick and passes away.
The undertaker tells the man that he could have his wife shipped home for $5000.00 or he can bury her there for $150.00.
The man thinks it over for a while and tells the undertaker “I think I’ll just have her shipped home”
The undertaker asks the man “why would you spend $5000.00 to ship her home when she can be buried in for only $150.00?”
The man replies “well many years ago you guys buried a guy here and 3 days later he rose from the dead….
And I just can’t take that chance”
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.
The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored,scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to
go on holiday.
After getting this email I was reminded of one of my best friend’s favorite sayings.
“This is why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed”
Be Careful Out There:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not.” Four is larger than two..”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, “you gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for the deer to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, AL
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know. I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and
There is a new sickness going around that you should be on the lookout for. As a matter of fact I feel like I’m coming down with it now…
Another new Illness to watch out for… Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.
‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she says in a weak voice.
‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’
‘I can’t see my ass coming into work today.
As sue happy as some people are I figure that I should put up a warning that this is a joke and I will not be held responsible if you’re dumb enough to try this.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
The first picture is from Arlington National Cemetery, I suggest that you visit it soon.
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
I was asked to send on if I agree, or delete if I don’t.
It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.
Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having ‘In God! We Trust’ on our money and having ‘God’ in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I believe it’s time we stand up for what we believe!
If you agree, pass this on, if not delete.
Who thought monks would be so infuriating?
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,…
…silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
. . But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
DON’T SWEAR AT ME; I’M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
This is another friendship week email. It’s also another chain mail letter. There are some cute pictures in this.
Please send to 5
People in 5 minutes.
That life is like a
Roll of toilet paper….
The closer it gets
To the end, the
Faster it goes.
That we should be
Glad God doesn’t
Give us everything
We ask for.
That money DOES NOT
I’ve learned…that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone’s
Hard shell is someone
Who wants to be
That the Lord didn’t
Do it all in one day
What makes me
Think I can?
That to ignore the
Facts does not
Change the facts.
I’ve learne d….
That the less time
I have to work,
The more things
I get done.
To all of you…. Make
Sure you read all the
Way down to the
Show your friends
How much you care.
Send this to everyone
You consider a FRIEND!
Even if it means sending
It back to the person
Who sent it to you.
If it comes back to you,
Then you’ll know you
Have a circle of friends.
WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
AND I AM HONORED.
Here is a Chain Mail I got. The art work is good.
Forward this message the same day you received it
It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time
We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven’t got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them
Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends.
Tomorrow at 9:12 AM somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear.
Please do not break this chain. Send it to at least 7 of your friends.